“Give Yourself a Kiss”

I say this fairly often in yoga class. Typically, it’s when we are exploring an arm wrap or eagle arms. It usually gets a laugh but some long-time students happily start to smooch it up on their biceps. I try to introduce the concept of self-love as a gentle, possibly silly thing you can do for yourself without any judgment or shame.

As a yoga therapist focused on supporting people through the challenges and transformative natures of perimenopause and menopause, I find it so important to cultivate or renew a deep practice of self love and self acceptance. Oftentimes, women start to let go of societal expectations and adopt an attitude of self acceptance, letting go of practices that no longer serve them.

One of the more minor incarnations of this shift in perspective shows up as no longer wearing makeup, or wearing wild makeup you’ve always wanted to wear but felt was “too much” until now. Maybe you want to start coloring your hair in bright vivid colors, or maybe you are ready to stop coloring your hair and let your silver strands shine.

This is just a small part of the journey into self love we need as we approach menopause and beyond. Embracing your own true self and practicing radical self acceptance can help you stay connected and embodied through this adventure we experience as perimenopause and menopause.

“Face it girls, I’m older and I have more insurance.”

Let’s talk a little more about how society plays a role in our menopausal experience. And I say this at a time where the conversation around menopause is really changing, so this blog post may be outdated in a short time.

But most of us who are currently moving through perimenopause and menopause can remember how our mothers and aunts and maybe even grandmothers dealt with the aspect of aging. Some gracefully and some were dragged into it kicking and screaming, clinging to a facade of youth for as long as they could.

In addition to the expectations of staying young and ageless while also being graceful and smiling the whole time, the generation before us were expected to keep mum about the whole experience. Symptoms were not spoken about or any outward sign of discomfort was minimized.

That was generally true for our mothers and grandmothers. But I remember a little film called “Fried Green Tomatoes” that came out in 1991.

While I was still too young to really connect with the main character, her journey into self love and self acceptance was a joy to watch. She showed her menopausal challenges and how they made her feel, then she allowed us to see her triumphant acceptance of all of it, just as it was.

Who has ever just shouted “TOWANDA” and felt a surge of energy, of empowerment? I dare you to try it now.

Radical Self Love is the Medicine

Radical Self Compassion was introduced to me when I attended alcohol-dependence counseling years ago. Perimenopause was just starting to rear its head and managing sobriety and anxiety and night sweats and all the rest was overwhelming.

The way it’s explained to me is like this: you have to be your own best friend. Really and truly. Start to treat yourself the way you treat your best friend. Do you insult or talk down to your best friend? I should hope not! I have so many memories of my best friend’s support. Not just in tough times but in good times too. Shopping and encouraging me to buy the cute sunglasses, trying on prom dresses in our 30s, holding a shelf in place while I nail the bracket in, going to the movie that you just know will make you cry. So why do we treat ourselves so poorly? And when we already feel fatigued, lost, disconnected, and just plain tired, the last thing we need to do is to heap more junk onto ourselves.

Radical self love is our way of releasing expectations, both our own and society’s. Supporting yourself fully and unconditionally means you can be your own best friend. Take yourself on that shopping and ice cream date, read the romance novel, take a nap when you need it without guilt. Find ways to lift yourself up at every chance. LIke a best friend would.

Practical Strategies for Cultivating Radical Self-Love

OK, get to the point, Viviane. HOW do we build up the self-love we need and crave?

I bet you already know at least part of the answer: practice. Self love is not a pill to swallow or a one-time shot that cures all. It’s a behavioral pattern you have to nurture and grow into a steady practice that soothes and eases the heart.

Here’s a few ways to get started:

1. Write yourself a love letter–Using the idea of being your own best friend, write to yourself as though from that point of view. Tell yourself about all the things you like and love about yourself, no matter how small or how silly. I do this at the start of each new year planner. And then I read it as though it was sent to me from my best friend. It evokes such a feeling of being seen and supported.
2. Abhyanga oil massage–this Ayurvedic ritual is a perfect way to connect to and accept and love your own skin and body. Using any oil you like (massage oil, sesame oil, sunflower oil) or an oil for your constitution (if you need help determining your Ayurvedic constitution, set up a consultation for an Ayurvedic Nutrition session) and just before your bath or shower, gently work from the soles of the feet up to the heart, then from the scalp down to the heart. Use long strokes on long bones and circular strokes on joints. Then bathe as usual.
3. The Mindfulness Self-Compassion Workbook–written by Drs Neff & Germer, this book is a treasure trove of practices to cultivate and develop your self acceptance and self love. It was recommended by the same substance counselor and I have worked through it multiple times. I recommend it to my own yoga therapy clients often.

Authentically Me

One of the main tenets of yoga philosophy is living life as authentically as possible. As we move through perimenopause and menopause, authenticity gains in importance. Embracing your own true self, loving and accepting yourself just as you are, will be the foundation to living an authentic life.

Think about the women you admire, ones that are just a little older than you, or maybe much older. What about them makes you notice and follow them? Are they unapologetically themselves? Likely.

I think about the pictures of older women on my social media feed, the ones that are strutting the streets in haute-couture…bright colors and bold lines, so many accessories, and smiles. Living the life they want, in technicolor. As a low-key goth, part of me is drawn to the courage and the audacity to wear not only bright color but clothing that’s NOT “age-appropriate.” Those women seem to be thriving through and beyond their menopause adventure, and we can too.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Self love and self acceptance are growing in our collective consciousness, online coaches are incorporating it in their posts and trainings, and there is more and more to read and listen to around the idea of self acceptance. It’s essential self care, and it’s the foundation of personal growth and healing. And as we meet the challenges and transformations of perimenopause and menopause, having a best friend available to you 24/7 is a great support system.

Lastly, I feel that when we are good friends for ourselves, we can be great friends for others, our fellow peri-sisters who also need someone to assure them that hot pink lipstick is FANTASTIC and it’s okay to watch Bridgerton for the 3rd time, if it makes you feel good.

Listen friend, I am so glad you read this article. Thank you!

Mwah! 😘 Take good care of yourself.

Viviane

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VW